WEINI - I Can't Tell You

It's been 15 years since I last heard his voice. His laughter and his contagious smile, is slowly fading from my mind. I am desperately trying to grasp them all... but they are slipping away... slowly... but so soon... too soon...
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10 years ago...

When we were 17...
Alex and I were friends. Really close friends. Since 9 years old, as far as I can remember... In fact, we only had each other. One another and both of us. That's all we had. No one in school took notice of us and we didn't bother to show off our friendship.

Alex and I did everything together and I loved him a lot. I still do. As a sister, as a friend... as a girl. No, we're not biological siblings. We led different lives. He loved games and I loved books. We were different, but somehow, we clicked.

Alex liked a girl, Fiona. Fiona was the most popular girl in the school. It was no surprise that Alex, as a guy with hormones flying all over, fell for her too. I didn't really know her. However, I have to be honest that I didn't like the way she had Alex's attention by doing nothing. After all, who was there when Alex cried? Who was there when Alex was upset? Who was there for Alex at 3 am in the morning because Alex just had a fight with his brother?

One day, I told Alex. I told him that I loved him. He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Penny... I can't tell you the same thing back..." I shrugged it off. It's okay, it didn't matter if we were friends or couples. We're together and that's all I want. No... that was a lie. I wanted us to be together together. I want him to be my boyfriend. I want him to hold me and kiss me. I want him to tell me that he loves me back. I want him...

As days pass by, Alex was closer to Fiona than the day before... as for Alex and I, we drifted apart...we were talking lesser and lesser and lesser... until one day, we stopped talking altogether. And it hurts me.

One windy Saturday, Alex asked me out for a movie. So we did. Alex gave me a box wrapped neatly with a crimson red wrapper and a silver ribbon tied over it. He said, "Don't open it until 10 years later..." I asked, "Why?" He shrugged and said, "I can't tell! It's a surprise. And I hope I'd be there to share the moment when you open the boxes." I said, "But 10 years? That's long! What kind of surprise is that?" I was really curious but Alex was determined not to tell me anything... no matter how much I bugged him.

For the next 8 years, Alex gave me identical boxes and reminded me not to open them until the 10th year from the first gift. Every year, I was getting more and more impatient. They were not even heavy! They all felt empty. There weren't any clanging and noise when I shook it. Yet, every box was slightly heavier than the previous one.

On the ninth year, before the day he was supposed to give me my ninth box, Alex died. In a horrible car crash. Before he died, he told his mother to pass the ninth box and the tenth box with an envelope (which I was supposed to open also on the tenth year) to me when the time comes, to which his mother did. When Alex died, I was devastated. Now, I am all alone. I lost someone I loved for as long as I lived.

When the day where I was supposed to open all the boxes came, I was so... excited because I waited for 10 years? Proud because I didn't give in to temptation? Scared because I don't know what is inside? Sad because Alex is not here to share the moment like he said he would? Euphoric because it's the last thing I had from Alex? I don't know. It's a mash up of everything.

I made sure I was really alone to feel the magical moment. Or I thought it'd be a magical moment. I went to the spot under our favourite sycamore tree, near the cliff over-looking the sea. I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh air. I can almost feel Alex's presence.

I felt my hands shaking when I loosen the ribbons. When I opened the first box, there was nothing inside but a piece of paper that said:

Dear Penny,

I love you.

Alex.

I felt tears forming in my eyes, blurring my vision. I wiped my tears and inhaled deeply. I thought I smelt Alex's bubblegum-flavoured shampoo... maybe it was just my imagination... I gathered my courage and opened the second box. Inside, was two pieces of papers:

Dear Penny,

I love you more each and every year.

Alex.

The second piece said:

Dear Penny,

I love you more and more every single day.

Alex.

In the:
Third box, there were 3 pieces : I love you because you're more beautiful than the year before. I love you because your smile is my sun. I love you because you're you.

Fourth box, there were 4 pieces : I love you because you're the first girl who touched my heart. I love you because you're the only person who showed me that tears are strength. I love you because you're the centre of my universe.

In every box from the 5th to the 9th, there were a number of papers, an additional one every year with Alex telling me why he loved me. In which my heart felt like it's being pulverised every single time I opened a note. Every single note made me feel sadder. But I smiled. Because Alex told me why he loved me in every each of them.

I felt so... I don't know how to describe this feeling. I want to cry and at the same time, whoop with joy and also, I felt frustration. If only he'd told me earlier. If only he was here. What if he IS here, right now, at this moment, what would have happened? Will there be awkwardness? A rush of happiness? Will we kiss?

When I reached out for the 10th box, I realised something different. This one had weight. I shook it. There was a blunt sound. Something was definitely inside. My heart pace quickened.
In the 10th box, there was only one piece of paper, somehow, my heart fell, why is there only one piece? I inhaled deeply and opened the note:

Dear Penny,

I love you. Will you marry me?

Alex.

There in the box... was a ring. At this, I cried harder. Alex... is not here anymore. Alex is gone. I want to say yes. But... there's no Alex to say 'yes' to. I took the ring and rolled it between my fingers. Finally, I slipped it in my fourth finger. I suddenly felt 'married' and also so disappointed. It's the end... this is it... the last thing from Alex. Something that I wanted the most...

Then I remembered! There's an envelope.

I reached for the envelope in my bag pack. I slowly opened it. Trying to absorb every moment... I took out the letter:

Dear Penny,

If you receive this letter... I really want to apologise. I didn't want to jinx myself but you never know what might happen next. If you're reading this letter, that means I'm not around anymore. I really love you, Penny. From the bottom of my heart. I love you since before you told me you love me. I lied. I never liked Fiona... she was just someone I went to because I didn't have the guts to tell you I love you because I wasn't sure how you'd react. I was scared. I'm sorry, Penny... I hope you can find happiness.

Love... Alex.

I can't cry anymore. This hurts so bad. Alex jinxed himself! I'm sure he did! Why can't he just tell me he loves me? Why can't he just tell me that he loves me when I said I love him? Why can't he just tell me?

WEINI